The Next Generation of Royal Navy ships

I was sent this recently by somebody in work… I don’t endorse some of the comments (especially the Captain Hook line), but the gist of it is sadly accurate…

Details have been released regarding Britain’s introduction of the next generation of fighting ships: The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships of this class HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships naming committee have, after intensive counselling, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The final four ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry, and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.

They will be able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities. For instance, the new user-friendly crow’s nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its own onboard industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime! All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for “Rum, Sodomy and the lash”; out goes the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains: this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only by request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal “Hello Sailor”. All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to the women.

The MOD is working on a new “Non specific” flag based on the controversial British Airways “Ethnic” tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities.

The newly-renamed HMS Cautious is due to be re-commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water to the tune of “In the Navy” by the Village People played by the Royal Marines. Sea Trials are expected to take place, when she sets out on her maiden mission. She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on the south coast.

The Prime Minister said that “While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation.

His final words were “Britain never, never waives the rules!”

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12 Comments

Filed under Navy

12 responses to “The Next Generation of Royal Navy ships

  1. x

    Funny you post this now. Over at Think Defence poster Somewhat Removed, a knowledge chap about your vintage, has told us to stop moaning and look on the bright side. The Navy is lean, mean, and punching above its weight. He has point when you consider that the RN has approx 1500 bods in Afghanistan out of 35000; compared with the Army’s 6000 out of 132,000. Our US and French allies are bending over backwards to help us with CVF; QE is well advanced. Astute is despite that mishap is a capable platform. T45 is a disappointment (no SSM, no CIWS, no night helicopter ops, no CEC (same for CVF :( ) , and lastly and most irksome no proper sonar. But all these are kit fixes. Daring isn’t a B1 T42 by any stretch.

    http://www.thinkdefence.co.uk/2011/03/to-good-to-pass-up/#comment-14196

  2. John Erickson

    You want a hoot from our side of the pond? The USN recently outlawed smoking on subs. But to go totally smoke free, we need an ACT OF CONGRESS! No kidding – when one of the CV commanders ordered the ship to go non-smoking in 1990, the tobacco lobby freaked and went into overdrive. They convinced Congress to write regulation that states “The US Navy SHALL make make tobacco products available.” In lawyer-ese, shall = MUST. Lovely when our lawmakers get involved in military matters!

    • x

      My favourite US law re the USN is only aviators can command carriers. Apparently command candidates have to spend at least one deployment in command of a tanker. A bit mean on the surface bods I think………..

    • John Erickson

      I have never understood the fierce separation between air-related personnel and the “service” staff (the grunts who make the boat go). Since the flyboys are more than a bit useless without their mobile landing strip, you’d think they’d show a lot more appreciation to the below-decks gang. I think I’d rather have a career ship-driver in command of my carrier, than some stick-jockey who expects instant gratification. Carriers don’t stop or turn on a dime, after all! ;)

      • James Daly

        I cant help but think that a lot of the inner-service rivalries arent helpful, especially in naval terms. It’s good that aviators and submariners etc can go on to command surface vessels; I can forsee how a former jet pilot brings something to a carrier that a #fish-head’ might not, and an ex-submariner commanding a frigate will bring a certain ‘poacher turned gamekeeper’ element.

        But then again, maybe having a sailor in command first and foremost is the reason you have a Commander (Air), or ‘Wings’, and ASW officers?

        It would be interesting to know what the process is for a former naval pilot to suddenly learn seamanship after years of joysticking, when his colleagues aflot have been learning since joining Dartmouth.

      • John Erickson

        Well, I abhor making generalities, but in this case it fits. Have you heard about the captain of the Enterprise (NOT KIRK, YOU TWIP!) who was canned due to the infamous “XO Movie Night” fiasco? All those guys were air crew, and are cocky, self-centered, and highly egotistical. I’ve met a lot on both “sides” of the flight deck, and the boat crew (below-deckers) are usually FAR better behaved, FAR less self-involved, and far less insular. Sure, pilots need a certain self-assuredness, but I doubt you’d find the “black gang” making these kind of movies. (I have little problem with their antics – they’re a bit sophomoric for my tastes, but I love the 3 Stooges, so I’m no expert! :D) And like I said, I’m far more comfortable with a ship driver that’s done so for 20 years, rather than having a flyboy think that a CVN can turn on it’s own axis! ;)

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